Grades

Recently I read this answer on Quora that said, among other things, that schools should teach us that if we aren't failing, we aren't learning enough. Instead of praising students for getting four As in a row, it suggested, teachers should ask students, "What can we do to challenge you more?"

Now, I don't entirely agree with that, because on things like unit tests, the idea is that we should have mastered the content. But I do agree with the general sentiment. If a student is succeeding (otherwise known, for better or worse, as getting 'A's) without much effort, that's a problem that should be fixed. I totally agree with that.

But something in me screams, "Noooo, don't take away my 'A's!"

Perhaps it's just my bias, but it seems like every day I am confronted with the stigma against grade obsession. Professors say they want people who like learning, not getting good grades, college admissions assure us they look at more than just the numbers, teachers tell us that ultimately, grades don't really matter. And I agree. Learning's important; grades are, at best, an imperfect measure of that.

But I'm not going to delete the app I have for the sole purpose of making it as easy as possible to check my grades every five minutes.

The way people speak of it, it sometimes seems like they think we care about grades solely because of an erroneous mindset that values recognition over achievement. And of course, I can only speak for myself, but getting good grades is seriously addicting. Deserved or not, there is nothing quite like the feeling of getting a high A on a project I put my sweat and tears into. There is nothing more guaranteed to keep me energetic and productive than a row of grades that are 95% or above.

Is this relationship unhealthy? My mood—and, unfortunately, performance—fall with my grades. When the last test of the quarter comes, my head is bent over the calculator, figuring out what I need to get to end with an A; lying in bed, I frantically dust off my mental arithmetic skills to achieve an approximation. I feel a pang when the grade for the most recent test hasn't been posted; a horrible shiver runs down my spine, immobilizing me temporarily, if the grade is bad.

If it is good, better than I expected, there is a sudden rush; for a few days, nothing (save a bad grade) can get me down.

So maybe it's bad that my spirits can be so strongly affected by a number I'm not fully in control of, especially when that number is always present. And yet I can't bring myself to stop caring, because  nothing has been able to replace that rush; no anticipation is as guaranteed to be rewarded (whether with horror, relief, or joy) as the wait while the teacher passes back an important assessment.

I don't care whether the number means anything. I want to learn in a way that is wholly separate from my desire for good grades. I do assignments because I couldn't not. If I regard good grades as anything more than instant, long-lasting gratification, it's as reward for effort put in.

And that's what I wish people understood.